Harry Potter and the Revolting Rhyme

Hermione demands you enjoy this daft poem.

I started work on a revolting rhyme based on the Harry Potter books. Here's how it begins:

There's a lad I think you know

You see him everywhere you go

In every town, in every store

There's Harry Potter books galore

The first three books were normal size

But the fourth caused some surprise

I couldn't lift that mighty tome

I bought a truck to get it home

The rest of them were sized the same

And though they all deserve acclaim

Some say the books can try their strength

Due to their enormous length

But worry not! For now, you see,

I've written out a summary!

Don't buy the book, put back your purse

The story's here in comic verse

Now Voldemort was feeling grumpy

A prophecy had made him jumpy

It said he'd die. That made him worried

So up he got and out he hurried

He cried, "That boy's a dirty rotter"

"I'm off to kill that Harry Potter!"

His pals applauded this decision

Then turned back to the television

So Voldemort set off alone

To curse a boy before he'd grown

Poor Harry's Dad (his name was James)

Was burnt to death in greenish flames

Then Lily (she was Harry's mum)

Gave her life to save her son

And her love was so immense

That it formed a strong defence

For when the Dark Lord said farewell

And, at Harry, cast his spell

The curse bounced back off Harry's head

Affecting Voldemort instead

The Kedava curse, it should be mentioned

Is not what I'd call well-intentioned

It's meant to kill and hurts like hell

Voldemort was quite unwell

He didn't die though. No, not him

The Dark Lord's past is very grim

Over death he'd gained control

By making mincemeat of his soul

He chopped it up and hid each bit

(A sneaky plan, you must admit)

So he survived, but only just

His human body was now dust

Then Hagrid took the orphaned tyke

Across town on a motorbike

Some bikes fly and others can't

This one flew to Harry's aunt

But Petunia (Lily's sis)

Was not the type to hug and kiss

A new born wizard in a nappy

She and Vernon were not happy

A decade later, Harry P.

Didn't like his family

Dudley and his mum and dad

Made life hard for the wizard lad

The Dursleys travelled to the zoo

Harry was pleased they took him too

He met a snake from Brazil

And set it free to maim and kill

Then came the letters - first just one

Then two and three and then a ton

Terror was the order of the day

The Dursleys tried to run away

But Hagrid found them in their hut

And grew a tail on Dudley's butt.

Harry laughed and without stopping

Caught a boat and went off shopping.

... to be continued... 

(maybe)

Merry Christmas!

Christmas is coming,

I'm feeling very fat.

Wobbling through Sainsbury's,

In my Christmas hat.

Turkey, ham and bacon,

Trifle, cake and beer.

I'm filling up my trolley,

With lots of Christmas cheer.

Christmas is coming (whether you like it or not)

It's only October,

But all through the stores,

There are shelves full of baubles,

And fake snow on the floors.

It's not really Christmas,

But the shops disagree.

In every bright window,

Is a huge Christmas tree.

So break out the tinsel,

And dig out the cheer.

Sing out those carols,

because CHRISTMAS IS HERE!

[EDIT: This poem was accepted and published by Your Daily Poem on 25th Oct 2015. Sorry if the link doesn't work - the site sometimes gets overloaded!]

The Cat and the Shat(-ner)

This poem ended up on facebook a while ago in reply to one of George Takei's posts which in turn was inspired by this picture:

The first three verses (in italics) are by George and the rest are by me. Be warned, there's a bit of naughty language!

[EDIT: The poem makes much more sense if you're familiar with the relevant items of pop culture, namely: Tard, Nyan Cat, The Cat in the Hat, William Shatner and the original series of Star Trek]

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The Cat and the Shat

The stars did not shine. I was horny all day.

There were no boobs to play with the whole Milky Way.

I sat there with Spock. We sat there we two.

And I said, “How I wish we had gals like Uhuru here, too.”

Too wet for torpedoes or phasers or shields.

So we sat in the bridge, stared at nebula fields.

So all we could do was to Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit!

Or maybe we shat. Hell, I don’t give a sh*t.

And then something went GRUMP!

How that grump made us jump!

He transported in past our shields just like that!

The Internet Meme, the ol’ Grumpy Cat...

... Tard gave a growl. Tard gave a roar.

Tard rolled right over and crapped on the floor.

Spock gave a yell and leapt in the air.

And I dived for cover under my chair.

The cat - she did glare. The cat - she did pout.

Then the cat took the conn and turned us about.

The ship - it did rattle. The ship - it did roll.

But Tard didn't care. She just wanted control.

So now Tard was steering. Tard knew how to drive!

She cranked our warp core up to Warp Factor Five.

We cried out in terror - she flew us so fast.

We knew this Tard-driven mission must be our last.

But look! What is that? What's happening now?

Can you see through the window? Near the port bow?

Is that a cat? Or a Pop-Tart? No - look at its face!

It's a cat sh*tting rainbows, flying through space.

It's Nyan Cat of course. He's come to our aid.

He's brave and he's brazen and he's quite unafraid.

Poor Tard wasn't happy - she looked most annoyed.

Then she leapt out through our shields and into the void.

The two cats - they wrestled. The two cats - they fought.

I've never seen two cats look quite so distraught.

Spock and I hid. We were well out of sight.

We didn't dare try to join in this fight.

Our ship was still flying at a rather fast pace.

Spock turned us around and we fled back to base.

What became of those cats, I don't want to know.

If they ask me to fly again, I boldly won't go.