Wednesday, 8 January 2014

Harry Potter and the Revolting Rhyme

Hermione demands you enjoy this daft poem.

I started work on a revolting rhyme based on the Harry Potter books. Here's how it begins:

There's a lad I think you know
You see him everywhere you go
In every town, in every store
There's Harry Potter books galore

The first three books were normal size
But the fourth caused some surprise
I couldn't lift that mighty tome
I bought a truck to get it home

The rest of them were sized the same
And though they all deserve acclaim
Some say the books can try their strength
Due to their enormous length

But worry not! For now, you see,
I've written out a summary!
Don't buy the book, put back your purse
The story's here in comic verse

Now Voldemort was feeling grumpy
A prophecy had made him jumpy
It said he'd die. That made him worried
So up he got and out he hurried

He cried, "That boy's a dirty rotter"
"I'm off to kill that Harry Potter!"
His pals applauded this decision
Then turned back to the television

So Voldemort set off alone
To curse a boy before he'd grown
Poor Harry's Dad (his name was James)
Was burnt to death in greenish flames

Then Lily (she was Harry's mum)
Gave her life to save her son
And her love was so immense
That it formed a strong defence

For when the Dark Lord said farewell
And, at Harry, cast his spell
The curse bounced back off Harry's head
Affecting Voldemort instead

The Kedava curse, it should be mentioned
Is not what I'd call well-intentioned
It's meant to kill and hurts like hell
Voldemort was quite unwell

He didn't die though. No, not him
The Dark Lord's past is very grim
Over death he'd gained control
By making mincemeat of his soul

He chopped it up and hid each bit
(A sneaky plan, you must admit)
So he survived, but only just
His human body was now dust

Then Hagrid took the orphaned tyke
Across town on a motorbike
Some bikes fly and others can't
This one flew to Harry's aunt

But Petunia (Lily's sis)
Was not the type to hug and kiss
A new born wizard in a nappy
She and Vernon were not happy

A decade later, Harry P.
Didn't like his family
Dudley and his mum and dad
Made life hard for the wizard lad

The Dursleys travelled to the zoo
Harry was pleased they took him too
He met a snake from Brazil
And set it free to maim and kill

Then came the letters - first just one
Then two and three and then a ton
Terror was the order of the day
The Dursleys tried to run away

But Hagrid found them in their hut
And grew a tail on Dudley's butt.
Harry laughed and without stopping
Caught a boat and went off shopping.

... to be continued...