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Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Christmas is coming (whether you like it or not)



It's only October,
But all through the stores,
There are shelves full of baubles,
And fake snow on the floors.
It's not really Christmas,
But the shops disagree.
In every bright window,
Is a huge Christmas tree.
So break out the tinsel,
And dig out the cheer.
Sing out those carols,
because CHRISTMAS IS HERE!


[EDIT: This poem was accepted and published by Your Daily Poem on 25th Oct 2015. Sorry if the link doesn't work - the site sometimes gets overloaded!]



Monday, 7 October 2013

The Cat and the Shat(-ner)

This poem ended up on facebook a while ago in reply to one of George Takei's posts which in turn was inspired by this picture:



The first three verses (in italics) are by George and the rest are by me. Be warned, there's a bit of naughty language!

[EDIT: The poem makes much more sense if you're familiar with the relevant items of pop culture, namely: Tard, Nyan CatThe Cat in the Hat, William Shatner and the original series of Star Trek]

#

The Cat and the Shat

The stars did not shine. I was horny all day.
There were no boobs to play with the whole Milky Way.
I sat there with Spock. We sat there we two.
And I said, “How I wish we had gals like Uhuru here, too.”

Too wet for torpedoes or phasers or shields.
So we sat in the bridge, stared at nebula fields.
So all we could do was to Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit!
Or maybe we shat. Hell, I don’t give a sh*t.

And then something went GRUMP!
How that grump made us jump!
He transported in past our shields just like that!
The Internet Meme, the ol’ Grumpy Cat...

... Tard gave a growl. Tard gave a roar.
Tard rolled right over and crapped on the floor.
Spock gave a yell and leapt in the air.
And I dived for cover under my chair.

The cat - she did glare. The cat - she did pout.
Then the cat took the conn and turned us about.
The ship - it did rattle. The ship - it did roll.
But Tard didn't care. She just wanted control.

So now Tard was steering. Tard knew how to drive!
She cranked our warp core up to Warp Factor Five.
We cried out in terror - she flew us so fast.
We knew this Tard-driven mission must be our last.

But look! What is that? What's happening now?
Can you see through the window? Near the port bow?
Is that a cat? Or a Pop-Tart? No - look at its face!
It's a cat sh*tting rainbows, flying through space.

It's Nyan Cat of course. He's come to our aid.
He's brave and he's brazen and he's quite unafraid.
Poor Tard wasn't happy - she looked most annoyed.
Then she leapt out through our shields and into the void.

The two cats - they wrestled. The two cats - they fought.
I've never seen two cats look quite so distraught.
Spock and I hid. We were well out of sight.
We didn't dare try to join in this fight.

Our ship was still flying at a rather fast pace.
Spock turned us around and we fled back to base.
What became of those cats, I don't want to know.
If they ask me to fly again, I boldly won't go.